foreshadowing

It was one of those crazy vivid dreams that I barely ever have, sometime during the last week of December, and it seemed to go on for hours. I was in a car with my husband driving, our son was in the backseat. It was some sort of war scenario.  Hundreds of airplanes were being shot down from above us. As we drove, my husband had to keep swerving left and right to avoid wheels and wings and fuselage that were falling like fireballs from the sky. When we finally got to safety in a hotel, about 20 people rushed the building and held everyone hostage. We were somehow separated and it took what seems like forever but I finally found them. We were trapped and afraid.  We didn't know what the outcome would be, but we still had hope. It was war and we were all in it together.  I didn't know what it meant until New Years Day.

You see, that was the day I found out I had breast cancer.

You might remember me posting in my blog a little while ago that I was writing an epic post about something that many women have probably gone through.  Well, that was supposed to be all about having found a lump and getting all worried and worked up because of the over-hype of breast cancer awareness, to have it turn out to be nothing.  I guess the joke was on me.

I've been through every kind of testing you can think of.  I've had mammograms, ultrasounds, this scan and that scan.  I've seen nurses and techs and surgeons and oncologists.  Because of all of these things, I have a plan in place and I start killing off those nasty cells on February 6th.  Like my dream, we're all in this together, but this time I know how it all turns out - I win.

As for that blog post, I've saved it somewhere else and it has started my chronicle of this journey.  This blog will remain as my outlet for random observations and silliness.  No cancer talk here, we have a different place for that.  (Okay, maybe a few bald jokes here or there.) No self-pity, no pink ribbons, no cancer education.  The blog remains the same.

As do I.

what my dreams are telling me

I have had the most screwed-up dreams over the past couple of weeks.  I have no clue why or what's going on.  At first I thought it was the full moon, then thought maybe it was the whole Venus transit thing, but now we're past those and I'm at a loss for an excuse.  Figuring that my subconscious must be trying to tall me something, I've decided to consult the all-knowing interweb to tell me what my inner self apparently wants the rest of me to know. 

I remember parts of a dream that I had on Sunday night, so let's dissect that one, shall we? 

For some reason, I'm on a large spaceship (1).  Something along the size of an Imperial Cruiser.  Wait, no, larger than that.  Probably the size of the bigger one here:


According to Wookieepedia, this is a Super Star Destroyer.
It also tells you exactly what it's fitted with, how many rooms, etc.
Who comes up with this stuff?  And why?


I have no idea what I was doing there or how I somehow shifted to the next scene...

My son and I were in the middle of some town in the middle-east.  Apparently there was some sort of war (2) going on (big surprise), bombs going off all around us, total chaos.  I got him away from that town, but had to get us on a plane (3) which we were about to miss (4), and I couldn't find our tickets (5) or our ID (6).  I was absolutely frantic trying to find them so I could get my son to safety...and then I woke up.


(1) Spaceship: To see a spaceship in your dream symbolizes your creative mind. It denotes a spiritual journey into the unknown and signals self-development and self-awareness. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to take on a different perspective, no matter how bizarre or unusual it may be.  

(2) War: To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life. 

(3) Airplane: To dream that you miss your flight indicates that you are feeling helpless and trapped by some situation. You feel that you are being held back, either physically or mentally. Alternatively, the dream may also suggest that you are feeling disconnected in some aspect of your life - work, relationship or home life.

(4) Late: To dream that you are late signifies your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. Time is running out and you no longer have time to accomplish all the things you want. Alternatively, being late in your dream could be telling you that it is better late than never. 

(5) Losing a ticket: Denotes confusion and ambiguity in the direction of your life
 (6) ID: To dream that you lose your I.D. denotes confusion about your own self-identity and your sense of individuality.


So, what does this teach us about what my subconscious mind is telling me?  Let's see...

I have a very creative mind and should use it to look at things with a different perspective.  I have quite a bit of inner conflict going as I feel trapped and helpless, but at the same time fear change.  I'm confused about who I really am and the direction my life is going, but time is running out to make those changes.

Well, shit.

This was supposed to be completely wrong and funny, but it seems to be spot on. 

So, for me to get back to nice, pleasant, sunshine, rainbows and sex dreams I either have to get my life the way I want it or medicate myself.  I think the medication would probably be easier...

responsibilities be damned, i'm outta here (a fantasy)

People call me calm, laid back, able to handle things with ease.  I guess that's true in some ways, but sometimes things build up and I want to drop everything and take off to places unknown all by myself.  Now, don't get me wrong - I love my husband and son and I wouldn't want to hurt them.  I'd miss them terribly.  But sometimes it would be nice to just be alone for a while with no responsibilities, no debts, no baggage, no stress, nobody else's problems to deal with. 

When I think of running away, I never really think it through.  I never come up with the important things like where or what do I do when I get there?  I thought I'd take a moment right now to do that. 

Let's see...I have no money, so I'd have to wait until I get paid, but still leave behind some money for the men to buy groceries.  I don't want to leave them to starve.  Oh, then I guess I also want them to have a car to drive, so they'd have to have some gas money too.  And electricity.  That's a good thing to have.  Especially for them - they sweat a lot in the summer. Even if they think too hard they break out in a sweat. Air conditioning is essential for them.  And school's starting soon, so I should leave a little money for them to purchase school supplies.  Don't want the kid to be without his #2 pencils on his first day in a new school.

So...what does that leave me with?  Where can I go?

I think I'll get about....here:

One train ticket to Chicago.  I like Chicago - it's a good place to go.  Will need to save up money for food, no money for lodging, so I'll hang out in Millennium Park for a while, lounging, listening to music, watching the people.  Wait - they have security.  A ton of security.  On Segways (they mean business).  So I guess I'll hang out there for a day and then head over here:

Jackson Park.  Home of the World Columbian Exposition (Ooh, history) and the current Museum of Science and Industry.  If it's a free day at the museum, I can always hang out there.  But it's not really the best neighborhood, so I guess I'll try for something more on the north side of town:

Lincoln Park.  Nice area of town.  Free zoo to occupy my time.  Nifty statues to look at.  But after a day or two here after having spent time at the other parks and eating (you know, it's kind of important), I'll probably be extrememly short on funds and have only enough money for a train ticket back home.

Damn it!  I'm not any good at this.

tony soprano and the sobbing choir director

Insomnia is a bitch.  There's no nice way to put it.  I fell asleep quite easily last night. After a very long day at work doing tedious data entry and an even longer night at home alone with a son who was prohibited from playing video games for the night and couldn't understand why playing baseball on the Wii or arcade games on the laptop would still be classified as a video game (sigh - I believe male brain damage is beginning to kick in already), I figured I'd get a great night's sleep - no problem.   But noooooo.  I woke up around 3am and could not fall back to sleep.  Well, not until half an hour before my alarm went off anyway, and that half hour of sleep provided the strangest of little mini-dreams.

First, I was in a choir room with a bunch of people, some of whom I knew from my past and others complete strangers.  We were rehearsing something and all of the sudden, the choir director starts sobbing and going on about something that happened on facebook (?!).  While some people went up to console him, I stood there crying and hugging the person next to me who was an acquaintance in school, but nothing more than that.  Then the director disappeared, I wondered where he went and then

Flash to me waking up and looking at every clock in our bedroom (apparently we have 5) and not being able to read the time.  I don't know if I'm late for work, I feel like I'm late for work, I'm panicking and decide to get up and look at a clock in another room and then

Flash to a completely different room full of people I knew from high school - mostly acquaintances again from classes other than my own.  Music was playing, people were having a good time, and then all of the sudden someone walks up next to me.  I turn and look and say, "Oh, hey Tony."  Yup, it was Tony Soprano.  I guess he went to my high school and I never realized it.  He gets behind me and starts grinding into me to the beat of the music.  I laugh and walk away.  (I guess this version of Tony doesn't get everything he wants)  Then people decide to have a shot in honor of someone - can't remember who.  I walk to get my glass, pick it up, toast with this guy a couple of classes ahead of me who I thought was really hot in high school, put the shot glass up to my lips, and then

My alarm goes off.

Thirty minutes of sleep = a whole lotta unnecessary insanity in my brain, and feeling stressed out over stuff that never really happened.  I think I would have been better off staying awake the whole time.  Oh well, now I have an excuse to buy strong Starbucks coffee this morning instead of drinking the free watered-down stuff that they call "coffee" in the cafeteria.  I guess that's a plus for my morning.

has anyone ever written anything for you?

I think most of us hope to be an inspiration to people in some way, don't we?  Inspiration can mean many things: the model to be come a better person, someone to look up to,  a person who brings out something you never knew you had inside you, or even a muse.

I would love to be all of those things, but sometimes I wish - selfishly - that I could have inspired someone at some point in my life to write something beautiful.  A song, a poem, a letter...something sincere, from the heart, preferably not alcohol induced.  Something that I could look at or listen to when I'm having one of those bad self-image days to remind me that I have meant something to someone.  Something that will be around long after I'm gone.  I guess it's the artistic part of me who wrote things for other people yearning for a little creativity when it comes to someone expressing what they feel about me. I'm sure I probably have a love note from my husband from years ago packed away in a box somewhere, but young love can be pretty kitschy.

I know, it's pretty egotistical of me to wish for something like that, but at least I admit that I know it. And it's only from time to time when I'm feeling sentimental. What about you?  Have you been a muse?  Has anyone ever written anything for you?

The song begins at 1:47

a superhero or a princess

When I was a kid, I had aspirations of being a singer, a ballerina, a Playboy Bunny, Wonder Woman and Princess Leia.  I'm too old to hit American Idol, and I'm not good at late nights in bars so I won't be a singer, my ballet career ended in 5th grade, and we don't have the Playboy Club in the area anymore.  That leaves me with Wonder Woman and Princess Leia.

I suppose this lets the geek side of me out of the closet, doesn't it? 

When I was little, I loved watching Wonder Woman on tv.  I so wanted her outfit and her Lasso of Truth and the awesome tiara/bracelet combo.  I even liked the stupid leotard-type-thing she wore when she went swimming.  (Why she actually covered more skin to go underwater, I'll never know)  I would try spinning around in circles in my backyard to see if I would change into her.  Never seemed to work though.  What I could deal with as a substitute though was a set of Wonder Woman Underoos.  It was the closest thing I would ever get at the time. 



I keep thinking that becoming Wonder Woman is still attainable.  Okay, sure, I don't live on some mythological island, but stories change all the time - maybe she could become Wonder Woman by a chemical change fueled by being fed up by her mean bosses at work.  "I'm not gonna take it any more!"  Yup.  That's how I'm gonna become Wonder Woman.  Some day I'll be at the end of my rope and I'll stand up in my office and spin around, a flash of light will blind everyone momentarily while my frumpy work clothes magically turn into red, white and blue undergarments, I grow a pair of awesome red boots, and instantly lose 20 pounds.  Then I'll use my Lasso of Truth on the powers that be, record what they say, get them fired, and I'll be the hero of the workplace.  Then I'll take the show on the road, fighting for people's rights, truth and justice, etc... 

Princess Leia - that's my kind of Princess.  Not the "waiting around for her prince to come" type, but the "I'm going to help lead a rebellion, do what it takes to get what I need from you and don't fuck with me or I'll blast a hole in your chest" type.  (Well, by the second movie anyway.)  She could go from almost monk-like robes to outdoor gear to an elegant gown to a metal bikini and her hair - her apparently extremely long hair - was always perfectly styled to go along with it.   Did she have some sort of hair attendant with her?  Did she take the time to do all of that braiding and twisting herself?  She could blast a stormtrooper, steal a speeder bike, woo an ewok, pass herself off as a bounty hunter, and still get the guy.  How cool is that? 



I could totally do that!  Okay, I already have the guy, but gimme a good cause and I can be that kick-ass.  Laser blasters look like they'd be pretty easy to use with a lesson.  I'd even take up light saber lessons with the right teacher.  Gimme some hairstyling lessons and I could get my hair to go with anything.  The only thing that concerns me is I can be prone to motion sickness, so I'm not sure how all that hyperspace flying would agree with me.  Maybe I'd get used to it in time.  I'm certainly willing to try.

I haven't found a profession that really suits me, so I'll go with superhero or princess, thank you. If we can supposedly become anything we put our minds to - who's to say I can't be one of these two women,.  Right?

what the hell's with all these spiders?

I've had two more spider dreams since the last one that I posted.  One has disappeared from the recesses of my brain, but the other one is still pretty vivid.  Well...parts of it anyway.

I don't remember plot, but I do remember the arachnid.  The body was about a foot long, shaped somewhat like a jumping spider, but not quite as thick, mid-length legs, and it was black with thin yellow stripes that ran horizontally across it's body like notebook paper.

For some reason it was building its web right in the middle of our living room - ceiling to floor - I thought I was a better housekeeper than that.  Apparently I didn't notice this large thing in the middle of our room at first though, because I walked into one of its web lines.  I got out of it, went away for a little bit, then walked back into it.  I guess in my dreams, I'm a moron.  The only thing about this dream that really stays with me (other than the strange markings on the spider) is the thickness, strength and stickiness of the web as I was stuck in it. 

That's all I really remember, but I'm just wondering why I'm having all of these spider dreams lately.  My phobia is much better than it used to be, it's winter and I haven't even seen any spiders for months.  Do I feel trapped?  Wrapped up in problems, issues or stresses?  Was I a fly in a former life and am I regressing to remember how I died?  What's up with all this craziness and why can't I go back to having dreams about men?

6 legs too many

As I was falling asleep last night, I thought it would be a great night for dreams.  I was feeling somewhat amorous, so I thought I might dream of a member of the other gender.  No one specifically, but there are so many to choose from, I thought one of them might pop up during the night. 

I did dream, but not about men as I had hoped.  No, for some reason my subconscious decided to dream about a spider.  A huge, monstrous, bird-eating spider. 

I don't remember much of the dream other than I was at an aquarium or museum, it was night, I was with a small group of people though I don't remember who (apparently not any men that I would be interested in).  We had a tour guide for some reason or a volunteer stopped by to talk to the group.  We were in the main hall area when something caught my eye outside a window on the second floor.  It was a moving shadow.  As I strained my eyes to try to make it out, I could see bird wings flapping and huge appendages (legs, people...minds outta the gutters) wrapping around them.  That's when the guide said it was a spider.  I think it had a name, but I don't remember what it was.  He then took us around to a place where we could see it better and shined a light on it and it looked quite a bit like one of the spiders we had living on our porch this past summer...except about one million times the size.  I think I woke up not long after gazing at it in wonder and fear for a few minutes.

So, yeah.  Not what I was hoping for...at all.  How my mind went from hoping to dream of men with broad shoulders and strong arms to a giant eight-legged arachnid eating birds is beyond me.  Am I secretly creeped out by them, feeling like they're wrapping me up in a web of something or other?  Whoa - I think some dime store novelist has entered my brain.  Maybe I'll hope for better dreams tomorrow.

where was my invite?

I love the Golden Globes.  Why?  Because it's movies and television in the same place.  Jon Hamm, Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr. all in the same room.  Sign me up!  I can get all dressed up, sit at a table of strangers, drink, and applaud with the best of them.  Come on!  I would like to ask the HFPA to consider sending me an invitation next year so that I can listen in on stimulating conversation...

...and take in the sights...

...and stand up and cheer, but only when appropriate.

Thank you.

bad dreams

Last night (or this morning), I had an odd dream again, but this wasn't the kind that made me laugh when I woke up.  Though, some of it should have.  I don't remember much of it at this point, but I do know that it put me in a very melancholy mood that I just can't seem to shake today.

The dream was set at my supposed class reunion held at some odd bar that doesn't exist.  The people who I really wanted to see didn't show up.  Most of the people who did end up attending were the ones who were vain, self-centered and made fun of people.  Apparently they hadn't grown up because they acted exactly the same way all these years later.  Now, I'm sure in real life they've matured like the rest of us and have seen the error of their ways (or I hope so anyway), but in this dream it was like they picked up right where they left off.  I guess it caught me off guard or something, because it really affected me.  I was able to give quick comebacks and a few striking one-liners, but inside it still hurt.

Now, these days rumors don't bother me - they amuse me.  If people speak ill of me, it just makes me feel bad about them because it's the only way they can feel better about themselves.  I'm in a good place - great family, stable job (even though I don't like it), getting healthier and healthier, etc.  I don't have the low self esteem like I used to.  That's why I was so surprised after waking up to find that this stupid dream made me so depressed.  I'm trying to shake it off, but it just isn't working.  I need a good laugh with some friends or something.  Sitting here at my desk certainly isn't doing anything for me.

Ah well, I know I'll come out of it unscathed by tomorrow morning.  Maybe I'll have a dream tonight that sets everything right again.

dreams of the insane

Another night of strange images floating through my mind as I slept.  These weren't brought on by the ingestion of the pink and white Benadryl evil as in this previous post, nor were they quite as plentiful, but they were still oh so odd.  Again, I have to write these down so I remember them.  I have lost some of it already, but I'll put down what I remember. 

The first thing I can remember is being in the house I grew up in and walking into our upstairs bathroom, when all of the sudden I hear a voice right next to my ear, loudly whispering things like, "Get the hell out of here," and other pleasantries like that.  I look quickly look around, there's nobody there, but I already knew that because I knew the house was haunted.  I just wanted it to stop and I started screaming at the top of my lungs.  I'm talking horror movie "oh my god, he's coming at me with an axe" scream.  And I kept screaming and screaming until someone came up and literally dragged me out of the room.  I'm amazed that I wasn't screaming out loud for my hubby to hear.

Then somehow I ended up going to a party with my family, even though I was still shaken up about the whole voice by my head thing.  This party was being thrown by my friend and his wife, but apparently they were either late getting everything ready or all of their guests showed up early, because they were still cleaning the house.  They weren't even ready themselves yet - not quite dressed all the way (yet still dressed enough - nothing R-rated here).  The oddest part of it all was that my friend was wearing a heart monitor.  This wasn't any old heart monitor though - this had big black electrodes on it that were strapped together by thick black elastic bands.  To top it off, the lovely big black electrodes weren't just placed on the torso where you would normally find them, they were also stuck on his neck and his face, creating some sort of steampunk or Borg gear.  It was lovely!

The party went on, full of people I didn't know, and crap...it's starting to escape me now... Oh, I remember walking in on some chick using the bathroom.  Then boom, I think all of the sudden we were in a city, and then the party disappeared.  I was alone on a street corner in my dream's version of Chicago, completely lost, waiting for a parade to pass by and desperately trying to get to my family.  Annnndddd....UGH!  Now the rest of it is gone.

If there was a full moon, I could understand the oddness of them.  If I had had a lot to drink or took medicine before bed, I would have understood it, but there was none of that.  I think I'm starting to lose my mind...and I'm going to let you read about all the fun things that happen on the way.

whacked-out dreams

Last night, I felt the need to take some Benadryl before I went to bed. For some reason, it did very strange things to my brain in my sleep and it created some very odd dreams. A whole night filled with insanity. I can tell that I'm starting to forget some of it, so I thought I'd better write them down somewhere before they completely disappear.

Part 1: Johnny Depp came to my house (which actually looked more like my grandmother's house) and gave me a big white bag full of cheap kid's jewelry. He was very happy with his gift to me, though I was a little less impressed. He had to stop me from setting it down though, because inside, on the wrapper of a piece of bubble gum, was an invitation to join him at some dinner or lunch or something. I was happy to accept, and he was happy that I accepted, until I remembered that I already had plans that day with...ugh...I don't remember who! I want to say it's some actor who just kind of disappeared off the face of the earth and I never really liked anyway. Dang it! I apologized and he walked out, disappointed, but I assured him that I'd be happy to hang out with him some other time. (My god, am I insane?)

Part 2: This part is very vague to me, but I do remember being in some sort of haunted house scenario - no, it was a movie - and I remember being pushed down these dusty stairs and then I was crushed by something, but not knowing what. Switch then to me watching this on a monitor and seeing that someone pushed a grand piano down the stairs and it landed on me, falling apart into pieces. Yeah - that all makes perfect sense.

Part 3: Falling stars. LOTS of falling stars. Falling stars becoming larger and more plentiful and actually hitting the ground. UFOs flying amongst the falling...er...meteors. Watching it all from the front steps of my(?) house until it got to be too much and I ran inside for safety. Um...I swear I hadn't been watching any Sci Fi last night.

Part 4: Flying in a very small airplane or helicopter to see my husband and son. I think I was going to Chicago, though it didn't look anything like Chicago. There must have been some strange flooding across the country, because we were watching sea lions swim and sharks swim in the water about 5 feet away from where we were standing. (Think the scene in Prince of Egypt where you can see the whales silhouetted in the parted Red Sea...) Flash to being on the plane or whatever once again and flying over Washington DC, but it was flooded too, so all I could see was the top halves of the famous buildings and somehow, I could see the Obamas swimming in the area that was the White House's back yard. Must have some awesome zoom vision! Then flash to me, my hubby and my son walking somewhere and the hubster going up and hugging some woman, telling her he really missed her, while I hid in the back. Turns out I must have been the other woman!

I think that must have been when my son woke me up. Wow - those little pink and white capsules must be filled with some sort of strange hallucinogenic evil. From now on, I'll just deal with the sneezing...