you lift me up

On those rare off days when I'm feeling low, some things still make me smile:
My son's laugh,
my hubby's arms around me,
a nice walk outside,
a random note from a friend,
new pictures of Johnny Depp...

say something profound

Sometimes I wish I could say something that was so wise that my friends would thank me.  I find myself thanking them much more often.  I just can't express myself the way I used to.  I was a poet, an artist, a singer, and without keeping up with it all, I've lost it.

With this blog, I've tried bringing some of it back.  Tried expressing myself in a different way, but I tend to fall short of what I've really wanted to do with it.  I've tried digging out my sketch pad every now and then, but I have no ideas of what to do with it and those few times I do get ideas, the result is nowhere near what I envisioned.  Disappointed in myself, the book and pencils go back into the closet.  My writing skills come and go.  I do write things every now and again that I look at and smile at, and the rest of the time I write 4 or 5 lines and never finish it.  Singing?  I'm a great car singer.  That's about the extent of it these days.

I'm trying to figure out what to do to get that part of myself back...the artsy, creative me.  If I really work at it maybe I'll get there, but is creativity something you're really able to work at?  Isn't it just either there or not?  And if I had it once...where did it go?  Did I give it all to my son when he was born?  I'm thankful he has it, but I'd like to have a little bit of it back.

I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way.  I just am kind of stuck and don't know what else I can try.  Any suggestions?

i don't understand

Why is my family addicted to this stupid video?

...and i feel fine (addendum)

You might remember a while ago when I wrote this post and mentioned that "if the Holy See started giving all of its money away to third world nations to promote the use of condoms, I might just take that as a sure sign" of the world ending.  Well campers, start hoarding canned goods, ammo and drinking water - The Pope has announced that in "some cases" condom use is justified as a means of stopping the spread of HIV.

Wha?  Of course, "'The intention is very important here because it is to safeguard one from viruses such as the pandemic,' and not to sanction birth control."  So, he gave the example of male prostitutes engaging in homosexual sex since there's no chance of pregnancy anyway.  Oookay...so, if you're gonna "sin" by being a homosexual at least don't kill other people while doing it?  Well, that's thoughtful.  Today it was released that he also sanctions use by infected women as well (whoa!) because it is the "lesser evil" to stop a pregnancy by a thin little layer of latex than to knowingly infect a sexual partner.  Allrighty!  I can't wait to hear the church debate what is acceptable usage and what's not, but at least it's a step in the right direction.

Anyone know of any stores running sales on cases of Dinty Moore?  Could they throw in a free shopping cart - I think I'm gonna need it.

lightweight

I had two alcoholic beverages last night...only TWO...and I woke up in the middle of the night with cottonmouth, sweating like a fat man at a Vegas buffet.  I used to be able to have three of those things much later on in the day and not feel a thing later on.  WTF, man?  Is it the fact that I'm not eating as many carbs to soak it all up, is it the weight loss?  I know - it's because I'm getting old, isn't it?  I guess it's not such a bad thing though - it helps to conserve money.

Don't get me wrong, we're not sitting around drinking every night, but I do have one beverage an evening as part of my after-work routine.  It helps me unwind and get over the day.  I guess I just can't have any more than the one drink anymore unless I feel like paying for it that night.

To this I say, "Boo!"

forever young

That's the song I remember being played over and over at his funeral.  That and "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.  As I was there, with so many other members of our high school sophomore class, I found myself flashing back to the past - what little past we had - and smiling, yet at the same time feeling terribly guilty.  I guess that's pretty common for a funeral, isn't it?

Rewind to 5th grade.  He was the first guy I ever knew of who ever had a crush on me. I don't know how he saw me the first time, we went to different schools, but he told a mutual friend he liked me and apparently sent her off to do some investigating.  She showed me his picture, told me he liked me and wondered what I thought. Well, I was in 5th grade and was madly "in love" with some other guy (who had no interest in me whatsoever), so I didn't really care about him.  Our paths would cross  - OM practice, I walk into the art room, he's practicing with his team and shoving oranges down his shirt.  So very fitting for him. :)  I rolled my eyes, he was embarrassed, and that was that.  The annual district-wide Pioneer Day arrived.  We all congregated in one school gym and had to dance the Virginia Reel.  The boys had to choose their partners and he asked me.  I was of course hoping for the boy of my dreams to come rushing to my side, but he didn't.  I got this tall, lanky guy with a funny hat.  Little did I know he was also very uncoordinated and also the class clown, so he was literally tripping and falling over his own feet.  I was thoroughly embarrassed at the time, but now I look back and laugh.

More after the jump...

bad dreams

Last night (or this morning), I had an odd dream again, but this wasn't the kind that made me laugh when I woke up.  Though, some of it should have.  I don't remember much of it at this point, but I do know that it put me in a very melancholy mood that I just can't seem to shake today.

The dream was set at my supposed class reunion held at some odd bar that doesn't exist.  The people who I really wanted to see didn't show up.  Most of the people who did end up attending were the ones who were vain, self-centered and made fun of people.  Apparently they hadn't grown up because they acted exactly the same way all these years later.  Now, I'm sure in real life they've matured like the rest of us and have seen the error of their ways (or I hope so anyway), but in this dream it was like they picked up right where they left off.  I guess it caught me off guard or something, because it really affected me.  I was able to give quick comebacks and a few striking one-liners, but inside it still hurt.

Now, these days rumors don't bother me - they amuse me.  If people speak ill of me, it just makes me feel bad about them because it's the only way they can feel better about themselves.  I'm in a good place - great family, stable job (even though I don't like it), getting healthier and healthier, etc.  I don't have the low self esteem like I used to.  That's why I was so surprised after waking up to find that this stupid dream made me so depressed.  I'm trying to shake it off, but it just isn't working.  I need a good laugh with some friends or something.  Sitting here at my desk certainly isn't doing anything for me.

Ah well, I know I'll come out of it unscathed by tomorrow morning.  Maybe I'll have a dream tonight that sets everything right again.

15 movies that stick with you

This is one of those facebook things where one person writes a list of favorites in their notes, tags a bunch of people, and then those people are supposed to do the same thing in turn.  Well. my parents were the ones who tagged me.  This poses two problems as 1) I have my notes hidden from family members and 2) I really don't think they need to know my list of memorable movies because some of them are memorable for reasons my parents don't need to know.  I like thinking about these movies though, so I've decided to post these in my blog where I can feel a little more open about what I say.  I've never been one to follow the rules when it comes to some things. 

Here goes:
 THE RULES: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen films you've seen that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me, because I'm interested in seeing what films my friends choose. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks and tag people in the note)

1. Amadeus - Best movie ever.  There isn't a single thing I don't like about it.
2. Pee Wee's Big Adventure - I can recite this movie line for line.  Blame it on a sleep-over in 5th grade when we watched it over and over. 
3. Bram Stoker's Dracula - We saw this after going to visit a prospective college.  I was still a little hopped-up on codeine from my tonsillectomy, so the visuals looked 10 times better and the acting probably didn't seem quite as bad at the time.  I will say one thing though - the whole vampire thing put us in the right mood to have a very memorable evening once we got home.
4. Basic Instinct - Me and the hubby's first date.  Way to start things off with a bang, huh?  In high school, I wanted to be just like the lead character - strong, smart, sly, and kinky.
5. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - It's just so freaking funny and in such a dry, quick-witted manner.  I love getting people turned on to this one since it was never very well-known.
6. Labyrinth - Come on - a fairy tale by Jim Henson with awesome characters, the Bog of Eternal Stench, Ludo, and of course David Bowie in leather and tights.  "Love me, fear me, do as I say and I will be your slave."  Yup.
7. White Nights - One word...Baryshnikov
8. Pollyanna - I'm not saying this is one of my favorites, but it certainly is memorable.  I used to watch it every time it was on TV just to torture my poor father.
9. The Doors - My friends and I saw this in the theater 4 times.  This was quite a fete being that it was rated R and we were still underage.  Seeing it on the big screen was like a drug trip in itself...or so it would seem.  I have nothing to compare it to.
10. Ghostbusters - I saw this with my parents in the theater when it first came out and I remember the audience singing along with the theme song.  So great, it still holds up after all these years.  My friends and I still use the gatekeeper/keymaster analogy.
11. Poltergeist 2 - I had a hard time deciding between the first and second Poltergeist movies, but I have to go with the second because of Reverend Kane and "God is in his holy temple," the tequila worm monster and Taylor and the car.  Classic.
12. Anchorman - The first time I watched this movie, I thought it was the most stupid thing on the face of the earth, but once I watched again, I found myself laughing heartily.  It's now one of my favorites.
13. Star Wars/Empire Strikes Back/Return of the Jedi - I know, they're three separate movies, but they're a trilogy and therefore one continued storyline.  Come on, these shaped a whole generation of us.  What girl didn't want to be Princess Leia and what guy didn't think Han Solo was cool or geek out when Leia was in her slave costume?  Iconic is the best word I can think of for them.
14. Dangerous Liasons - A wonderful interweaving of damaged characters.  Brilliantly played, beautiful scenery and costumes, tons of mind games.  Perfect.
15. Ed Wood - Wonderful movie about a director who, at the time, I didn't think many people knew about.  Martin Landau does a spot-on Bela Lugosi, Bill Murray as a character named "Bunny," Sarah Jessica Parker in a role I could actually tolerate, and Johnny Depp doing a strip-tease in angora.  Need I say more?

things that should not go together

Painkillers and alcohol, cotton fabric and a dryer on high heat, toothpaste and orange juice, foil and fillings...

The words "Don Draper" and "in the butt" should never...never...be used together.  This is just disturbing.

And funny.

for a few who are close to me

I'm sorry I don't understand,
I can't identify,
Nor do I want to.
It's not that I don't care
Or love you,
Or wish I could help,
But I know I can't help you
And I don't know what can.
The happy go lucky people you were
Are disappearing before my eyes
And in place of those vibrant souls
Are small, quivering beings
Who I don't recognize.
I don't know how to deal with it.
Avoidance is my shield -
Be it right or wrong -
My way of hiding from the fear
Of the futures that lie ahead.
Yours and mine.
I can only fix myself
Not you
And I'm working on it.
I have to push the fear aside
And let you in again.
But until then, I apologize
For not being the support you need
You still have my love
And you'll be seeing more of me soon.

-R

the morning after

Election day has finally come and gone.  (I was so sick of political ads even though I would fast forward through most of them.)  I can't say I'm pleased with the results, but what happened happened, so now we have to move forward with what we have.  So, here's a little song for everyone to sing along to - left and right, red and blue, and everyone in between: