the gnomes who beat me in the night

There have been many times when I've gotten in the shower in the morning and noticed some new bruise that appeared for no reason that I could remember.  For instance yesterday morning I was greeted by a bruise on my upper abdomen, about 4 fingers up from my belly button and over to the left a little bit.  This is not a normal place for a bruise.  (Normal places are places that normally get whacked on a table or doorknob within the course of a day - shins, forearms, etc.)  It makes crossing my arms very difficult since that's where they tend to rest.  Up until now I never realized just how often I cross my arms...

Now, I bruise easily.  Very easily.  I mean, nibble on my neck just the tiniest bit and I'm marked up.  (Yes, I wore a lot of turtlenecks in high school.)  Many times I can vaguely remember telling myself, "Ouch - that's gonna leave a mark," though I don't remember exactly what I did to incite that response.  But those times when it's a mystery, well, I'm beginning to blame the violent gnomes that must be attacking me in my sleep.

It's the only thing I can think of.  Tiny little bearded men carrying small clubs who sneak in to my bedroom, bypassing the dog that barks at the slightest rustle, silently opening the door, and tiptoing over to the side of my bed where one stands on the other's shoulders, takes his club, and gives me a good whack to some odd part of my body. 

Why don't I wake up?  Gnome wizardry.  Probably why the dog doesn't bark either. 

Then those little bastards take off and laugh.  Oh, how they laugh!  They know that I'll wake up and be completely puzzled as to how that sore black and blue mark appeared on the top of my foot overnight when I didn't do anything the previous day to warrant it.  My confusion gives them total joy.  I can just imagine their little gnomish cackles echoing in my brain even now.

I think I need to start wearing full body armor as my pajamas.  Of course, the armor would probably bruise me up as well.  Dang it!  I will no longer be a victim of gnome violence.  I need to come up with another idea.