bad dreams

Last night (or this morning), I had an odd dream again, but this wasn't the kind that made me laugh when I woke up.  Though, some of it should have.  I don't remember much of it at this point, but I do know that it put me in a very melancholy mood that I just can't seem to shake today.

The dream was set at my supposed class reunion held at some odd bar that doesn't exist.  The people who I really wanted to see didn't show up.  Most of the people who did end up attending were the ones who were vain, self-centered and made fun of people.  Apparently they hadn't grown up because they acted exactly the same way all these years later.  Now, I'm sure in real life they've matured like the rest of us and have seen the error of their ways (or I hope so anyway), but in this dream it was like they picked up right where they left off.  I guess it caught me off guard or something, because it really affected me.  I was able to give quick comebacks and a few striking one-liners, but inside it still hurt.

Now, these days rumors don't bother me - they amuse me.  If people speak ill of me, it just makes me feel bad about them because it's the only way they can feel better about themselves.  I'm in a good place - great family, stable job (even though I don't like it), getting healthier and healthier, etc.  I don't have the low self esteem like I used to.  That's why I was so surprised after waking up to find that this stupid dream made me so depressed.  I'm trying to shake it off, but it just isn't working.  I need a good laugh with some friends or something.  Sitting here at my desk certainly isn't doing anything for me.

Ah well, I know I'll come out of it unscathed by tomorrow morning.  Maybe I'll have a dream tonight that sets everything right again.

15 movies that stick with you

This is one of those facebook things where one person writes a list of favorites in their notes, tags a bunch of people, and then those people are supposed to do the same thing in turn.  Well. my parents were the ones who tagged me.  This poses two problems as 1) I have my notes hidden from family members and 2) I really don't think they need to know my list of memorable movies because some of them are memorable for reasons my parents don't need to know.  I like thinking about these movies though, so I've decided to post these in my blog where I can feel a little more open about what I say.  I've never been one to follow the rules when it comes to some things. 

Here goes:
 THE RULES: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen films you've seen that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me, because I'm interested in seeing what films my friends choose. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks and tag people in the note)

1. Amadeus - Best movie ever.  There isn't a single thing I don't like about it.
2. Pee Wee's Big Adventure - I can recite this movie line for line.  Blame it on a sleep-over in 5th grade when we watched it over and over. 
3. Bram Stoker's Dracula - We saw this after going to visit a prospective college.  I was still a little hopped-up on codeine from my tonsillectomy, so the visuals looked 10 times better and the acting probably didn't seem quite as bad at the time.  I will say one thing though - the whole vampire thing put us in the right mood to have a very memorable evening once we got home.
4. Basic Instinct - Me and the hubby's first date.  Way to start things off with a bang, huh?  In high school, I wanted to be just like the lead character - strong, smart, sly, and kinky.
5. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - It's just so freaking funny and in such a dry, quick-witted manner.  I love getting people turned on to this one since it was never very well-known.
6. Labyrinth - Come on - a fairy tale by Jim Henson with awesome characters, the Bog of Eternal Stench, Ludo, and of course David Bowie in leather and tights.  "Love me, fear me, do as I say and I will be your slave."  Yup.
7. White Nights - One word...Baryshnikov
8. Pollyanna - I'm not saying this is one of my favorites, but it certainly is memorable.  I used to watch it every time it was on TV just to torture my poor father.
9. The Doors - My friends and I saw this in the theater 4 times.  This was quite a fete being that it was rated R and we were still underage.  Seeing it on the big screen was like a drug trip in itself...or so it would seem.  I have nothing to compare it to.
10. Ghostbusters - I saw this with my parents in the theater when it first came out and I remember the audience singing along with the theme song.  So great, it still holds up after all these years.  My friends and I still use the gatekeeper/keymaster analogy.
11. Poltergeist 2 - I had a hard time deciding between the first and second Poltergeist movies, but I have to go with the second because of Reverend Kane and "God is in his holy temple," the tequila worm monster and Taylor and the car.  Classic.
12. Anchorman - The first time I watched this movie, I thought it was the most stupid thing on the face of the earth, but once I watched again, I found myself laughing heartily.  It's now one of my favorites.
13. Star Wars/Empire Strikes Back/Return of the Jedi - I know, they're three separate movies, but they're a trilogy and therefore one continued storyline.  Come on, these shaped a whole generation of us.  What girl didn't want to be Princess Leia and what guy didn't think Han Solo was cool or geek out when Leia was in her slave costume?  Iconic is the best word I can think of for them.
14. Dangerous Liasons - A wonderful interweaving of damaged characters.  Brilliantly played, beautiful scenery and costumes, tons of mind games.  Perfect.
15. Ed Wood - Wonderful movie about a director who, at the time, I didn't think many people knew about.  Martin Landau does a spot-on Bela Lugosi, Bill Murray as a character named "Bunny," Sarah Jessica Parker in a role I could actually tolerate, and Johnny Depp doing a strip-tease in angora.  Need I say more?

things that should not go together

Painkillers and alcohol, cotton fabric and a dryer on high heat, toothpaste and orange juice, foil and fillings...

The words "Don Draper" and "in the butt" should never...never...be used together.  This is just disturbing.

And funny.

for a few who are close to me

I'm sorry I don't understand,
I can't identify,
Nor do I want to.
It's not that I don't care
Or love you,
Or wish I could help,
But I know I can't help you
And I don't know what can.
The happy go lucky people you were
Are disappearing before my eyes
And in place of those vibrant souls
Are small, quivering beings
Who I don't recognize.
I don't know how to deal with it.
Avoidance is my shield -
Be it right or wrong -
My way of hiding from the fear
Of the futures that lie ahead.
Yours and mine.
I can only fix myself
Not you
And I'm working on it.
I have to push the fear aside
And let you in again.
But until then, I apologize
For not being the support you need
You still have my love
And you'll be seeing more of me soon.

-R

the morning after

Election day has finally come and gone.  (I was so sick of political ads even though I would fast forward through most of them.)  I can't say I'm pleased with the results, but what happened happened, so now we have to move forward with what we have.  So, here's a little song for everyone to sing along to - left and right, red and blue, and everyone in between:

farewell, little man

So, I got a tearful message on my phone today from my mother letting me know that they had to put down the last of their cats.  It was a good thing - the right thing to do.  He was 15, had major painful digestive issues, was beginning to lose weight and it was just time.  He was also the cat that I was closest to.

I'm the one who found him as a kitten, got him used to people and was able to bring him in where he was safe.  There were always cats running around our neighborhood, but never a teeny kitten like this one.  This was a tiny little black kitten who was hunting grasshoppers for food.  Tiny, muscular, stealthy.  Somehow I got him close enough to me at one point where I saw he had green eyes.  For years I wanted a black cat with green eyes, and here he was!  Unfortunately, we had just adopted a cat a few months before and we weren't about to get another one.  One little catch though - it was mid-October and he was a black cat.  I was afraid he'd end up being the victim of some wanna-be-devil-worshipping-freakshow.  We decided we'd try to catch him and get him to the shelter where he'd be safer.

It took a little while for me to coax him over to me and get him to trust me, but boy did he love the attention once he did.  I was finally able to pick him up and we put him in a pet crate on our front porch.  We'd leave him there overnight and then take him to the shelter the next day (even though I secretly wanted to keep him).  Before my dad was ready to take him, he took him out of the crate and the little kitten climbed up onto his shoulder and started purring in his ear.  My dad's heart melted, he cried "He's not playing fair!" and the decision was made to keep him.  He was named Squeakers (Squeaks for short) because that was about the size of his meow.

The rest is history.  I got married and moved out a year later.  He gained plenty of weight, became a fierce protector and had many cute little routines that my parents will miss greatly.  Though he lived with them and he was their cat, part of me will always think of him as my little man.  I'm sure his next life will be a great one.

i'm a terrible swede

One-quarter of me is Swedish.  Our Christmas Eve gatherings were very Swedish in nature - meatballs, ham, rice pudding, potato sausage, etc.  My family is very Scandinavian in demeanor and taste and though most of me is Dutch, I've always considered myself Swedish.  Go figure.

Unfortunately, I've never been one for Swedish pop culture that permeates the US.  ABBA - never a huge fan.  I can dance to "Dancing Queen" with the best of 'em, but other than that I just don't care much for them.  Roxette and Ace of Base?  Blech.  I've never stepped foot inside an Ikea, and frankly don't think I ever will unless one pops up within 30 miles of me and I just don't see that happening.  I tried watching Let The Right One In the other night and ended up falling asleep about half an hour into it - and as anyone who reads this blog knows, I'm a huge vampire person.

The thing that really firmed it up for me though was I started reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo last week.  You know, the book that everyone is reading by the Swedish author who turned in the books then died and everyone just loves?  The one that Hollywood couldn't wait to get it's hands on?  (I know, I don't usually go for the trendy books, but it was a free book in our cafeteria and some of my friends even recommended it to me, so I thought I'd go against what I usually do...)  Yeah, I got about 100 pages into it and I just didn't care - couldn't get into it.  I put it back in the cafeteria today for someone else to try.

Oh dear, my own people put me to sleep!  Throw the pop culture snubs on top of the fact that I can't stand lefse or herring and this doesn't bode well.  Maybe I should stop thinking of myself as a Swede and go more on the Dutch side.  What kind of pop culture things have the Dutch given us?  Tulips?  Windmills?  The desire of every college-age male to go there for hookers and pot?  Hmmm...maybe not.

There is one Swedish export I do enjoy though.  Alexander Skarsgard.  Thank you for that one, Sweden.

the men i ♥

Ah, men.  I love men.  True love, family, friends, people who make me laugh, think, make my heart go aflutter.

Here's to the men I heart in many different ways...the ones I know, and the ones I admire from afar...

My loving husband: Man o' my dreams, my knight in shining armor.  Hubby for 14 years.  Always ready to make me smile or laugh.  Encourages me to explore and grow and loves me for who I am.  Great father, thankfully great at math (since I'm not), takes care of me, the kid, the household.  He's a protector and a man of many talents.  Gotta love him.

My awesome son:  Well, of course

My dad:  A completely unique individual.  Quiet thinker, musician, poet, writer, photographer.  Taught me to be a free-thinker and for that I'll always be grateful.

My best friend:  I don't see or talk to this guy nearly enough, but when I do see him it's like we only saw each other yesterday.  Friends since 7th grade, he's one of the few people I can completely be myself around - he's seen me at my best and my worst and that's okay by me.

My pop-in-law and bro-in-law:  The men-folk in my husband's family.  Accepted me quickly into the family and for that I'll always be thankful.

My sangha friends: Smart, entertaining, thoughtful, compassionate and strong. It's great having these guys around.
My work "spouse":  I think that's what he's considered these days anyway.  The one person at my lousy job who I can laugh and roll my eyes with, talk to about silly 80's toys and shows and steal food from.  He keeps me somewhat sane there.

The mattress guy:  The poor guy who stands on the corner of the street by the strip mall, dressed in a mattress, constantly waving at the people driving past.  How many people suddenly think to themselves, "Hey, I think I'll buy a new mattress today!" upon seeing him.  I'm guessing maybe 1 every three months.  Yet, he still stands out there every weekend.

Johnny Depp:  I still don't know why.  He's so not my type, but YUM!  I used to hate him until I realized how many movies I loved that he starred in.  Maybe I still thought of him back in his 21 Jump Street days - baby faced, trying to be a rebel just to rebel.  I'm liking the good yet bad-boy, dirty pirate, great with kids combo.

Bill Murray:  Come on - this guy's been making us laugh since the beginning of time, he can do a great serious role and get right back to making us laugh again.  He's so out of the Hollywood game and yet he's worshipped.  Gotta heart him for that.

Jon Hamm:  This is a recent addition to the heart list.  Yes, he's suave yet naughty on Mad Men, but he's also freaking funny!  Seen him on SNL or 30 Rock?  He's great!  In interviews, he's honest and just like any regular guy.  I could hang out with him for a day and be totally happy.

That's a whole lotta love, and I haven't even skimmed the surface.  Men are awesome.  Need I say more?

random

Why would any man in his right mind want to visit a place named Cockburn Town?  Can you imagine telling people that's where you're going on your honeymoon?

the politics of it all

I'm not a political person at all, but I sure do get tired of those who consider themselves political by quoting the same old tired phrases that they hear other people saying.  I wonder if they even think about it or if they are blindly following. 

So many times lately I've heard, "Nobody should be given an handout.  If you work hard enough, you can accomplish anything."  While I would agree that there are unfortunately those out there who take advantage of the system, commit fraud, etc, there are many more out there who are legitimately in need of assistance.  What if the person has a legitimate disability that prevents them from holding a job?  Should they be working hard to find a cure for their ailment so they can get to work and make money?  How are single parents supposed to work three jobs while also taking care of their children? Yes, a person can always try to find an additional job to make money, but there are only so many hours in the day and if you have to take care of children as well as opposed to working to put your kids in day care - there's a limit.   Should they be working hard to find a spouse to help bear the financial load?  (And please don't assume all single parents started out as pregnant teens, there are plenty of people out there who started out with the "ideal family" image and things changed for one reason or another)

I'm sick of people being called "Loony Lefties," "Radical Right-Wingers," and the like.  Come on people - I think the words loony and radical would easily apply to many people on both ends of the political spectrum out there.  People who start calling people names and applying labels as soon as they disagree with their opinions obviously have no true argument and just want to sound tough.  It's like the schoolyard bully who can't think of a good comeback, so they just call you a name and walk off.

I'm so tired of it all.  Damn instant media and 24-hour news networks for trying to fill their time and space with sensationalistic nonsense that people actually listen to.  (And damn people for being sheep)  I'm hoping the political climate changes sometime soon because right now it's just embarrassing. 

There.  I feel a little better now.  'Nuff said.