this is your brain on chemo

Well, chemo brain has kicked in.  It isn't constant, but at the end of the last 2 cycles, I've been hit with it for a couple of days.  (Therefore, if my sentence structure doesn't always make sense here, please don't hold it against me.)



Let me give you a snapshot of how my brain is (not) functioning.



Get to work.

Turn on computer, music, digital photo frame

Open email

Stare blankly at email for 2 minutes

Realize I'm staring blankly at email and begin running Monday morning reports

Pause music to go to printer and get reports

Bring reports back to office

*

*

*

*

The internet is boring.

*

*

*

Ooh - I should read up on Captain America now that I've seen it.

Commence reading

*

*

Remember I'm at work, it's Monday, and I have reports to do.

Commence working on reports

Realize halfway through that I'm entering the wrong numbers

Shit

*

*

*

*

Okay, what was I doing?

Redo reports using correct numbers, brain functioning at 100%, all is well.

Finish reports, double-checking information, speedy and efficient as always.

Compose email to boss:

The reports weekly are attached.

no...delete

The resports weekly are attached.

Crap!  No!  delete...

Your weekly reports...

*

*

*

shit!

...are attached.

Send email without attachment.

*

*

*

Remember I was listening to music before and start it up again.

Start doing other work. spot on, brain working at full capacity.

Receive email from boss looking for attachment.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Hit reply

*

*

*

Attach reports and send.

eight legs o' love - addendum

The only time I ever hit the "Subscribe" button on YouTube was when I found this guy: Ze Frank.  He's just posted his latest True Facts video, and guess what it's about this time?  Yay!

If you've never checked out these videos before, I highly recommend them...just not around your kids.

lost voice

I have always been a notorious car singer.  As long as I've been driving, I've been singing along to just about everything.  Well, that's when I'm alone in the car anyway.  I'm shy.

As I was driving to work this morning, I realized I was sitting there in silence.  I had music blasting as I always do, there were songs that I'd usually sing along with, and I just sat there stone-faced.  And then I realized I couldn't remember the last time I sang anything.

Singing has always been my release, my way of expressing happiness, of getting over anger, of working through my nerves, and the car has always been the one place I can do it in peace.  It's just natural for me.

This lack of singing seems to say quite a bit about how I'm doing.  What it means, I don't know, but it must mean something, right?  Things are awry.  I am not my normal self.

I need to find my voice again.

the search is on

Searching, searching....

Not for my brain, though that's probably not a bad idea.  

Searching for the perfect vacation spot.  That's what I'm doing.

We're trying to find a great place to go for spring break next year.  We think we're entitled to a great vacation after going through all this cancer crap, don't you?  We're not going to have a lot of money to spend...at all...but we need something fun to look forward to.

We're up for another road trip or a cheap flight somewhere.  Sure, I'd love to say We're going to Disney World! like so many other families do year after year, but that's just not feasible.  Maybe a National Park, maybe the mountains or the ocean.  It's amazing...this country has so many options and yet we barely ever get to see them.  My husband's never even been to the ocean.  Heck, I haven't been there since I was 5.  My son has seen the Black Hills, but no huge mountains. We need a memory-maker here, folks.

So many options, so little money, don't know where to start.  Any suggestions?

eight legs o' love

No, I'm not talking about those nasty arachnids from Hades that are out to kill us all.  I'm talking about those awesome cephalopods from the sea.

Take a bow, Tiny Gentleman Octopus

Somehow over the past couple of years, I've built up an affection for these things.  They're just so cool!  I mean, they can swim...

...they can run on two legs...

...they can blend in to almost anything...

...they are resourceful....

...they're extremely intelligent...

...and some of them are even explorers.

How could you not love them?

Okay, I'm strange.  I realize it.  You still like me anyway though, right?

apparently you don't know who i am

Lately at work I've been called "earthy" and "Bohemian"  I've been trying to figure out how they're coming up with this.  They think I know natural remedies and have a garden, and knowing the categories that my co-workers put people in, they probably think I don't shave my armpits or shower regularly or something.

Is it the fact that I don't go clothes shopping every weekend?  That I don't care about shoes?  That I know what's going on in the world?  Perhaps it's the fact that I meditate or the fact that I feel more comfortable not wearing a wig through my chemo.  I have no clue.

One person was amazed that I don't eat avocados or guacamole. "But you're so earthy - how can you not like them?"  Hate to burst your bubble, babe, but guess what else I don't like - mushrooms.  You can't get much "earthier" than fungus.  Another person asked me if I knew of any good herbs to take for some menstrual issue they had.  Ummm..no?  Call your doctor?  I will use a natural remedy here and there if I've learned one, but I certainly won't use it in place of doctor-recommended scientifically-proven medicines.

I also can't grow plants.  Not even an herb garden.  I've tried.  I don't smoke weed - never have.  I do love nature, but I don't like sleeping in it.  Nope, no tents for me.  Give me a nice cabin with plumbing, thanks.  I enjoy dressing up and wearing heels - I've done that since I was in middle school.  I take a shower every day, applying store-bought deodorant, and I certainly can't go out of the house without a bra and makeup on.

I think they'd probably run in fear from some people I know who are oh so much more "Bohemian" than I am.  Sometimes I wonder if they have any idea about real people in the great big world out there.

do, re, egon!

I'm not often affected by celebrity deaths, but the loss this week of Harold Ramis felt like a punch in the gut.

Of course, people remember him most from Ghostbusters, but many people had no idea what a part of our lives he truly was.  Most of the comedies that we've quoted over the years have had him play a part, be it writing, directing, or acting.

Writer/Director

Director

Actor

Director

Writer

Writer/Director

And of course...

Writer/Actor

He was the one who played the parts that I always found myself most resembling.  Not the outrageous goofball of the group - the quiet one with a few great quips.  His movies were hilarious while also having a huge heart.  Love, renewal, good vs. evil, rooting for the underdog.  The movies pulled us in and made us remember them.  They're the ones we turn to when we just want to laugh even when we've seen them hundreds of times before.

Thanks for everything, Harold!  We're really gonna miss you.

say it together, naturally

Ah, how I love this song / video.  No, it's not artistry at its finest - by a long shot - but it takes me right back to the peak of the 80's.  Kitschy soundtrack song, clips of one of my favorite movies of all time, Lionel Ritchie in amazingly huge shoulder pads, the light/fog tunnel, Baryshnikov & Helen Mirren.... 
I LOVE THIS VIDEO!
I just had to share it with my friends because I figured you could use the flashback as well.  Say you, say me, y'all!
Oh, and for an added bonus, at no extra charge, I'll throw in this video of Fergie singing the same song to some creepy pedophile-esque clown on Kids, Incorporated.  
You're welcome.

huh

Looking back at my previous posts, I see that I'm coming off somewhat cranky and fed up with winter.  Huh.  Go figure.

Come on, Spring!  Make me happy again!!

cold

Okay, I have to say it...

I'm so tired of winter!!!

I'm tired of having to wear one pair of shoes to work while stowing another pair in my bag.

I'm tired of my winter coat getting covered in salt every time I walk past my car.

I'm tired of having to lug my coat with me to the store or to doctor's appointments.

I'm just tired of my winter coat.

I'm tired of taking 15 minutes to bundle up and having to wear 2 pairs of pants in the morning just to take the dogs outside.

I'm tired of icy, snow-covered roads that can't seem to get plowed properly.

I'm tired of snowbanks so high along the roads that I can't see any possible oncoming traffic.

I'm tired of frozen boogers and styrofoam-sounding snow.

I'm tired of dirty brown grey salt-slush on everything.

I'm tired of the fear of slipping on hidden ice any time I walk outside.

I just want to take a spontaneous, leisurely walk out in the sun, breathing deeply without my lungs freezing, and I want it now!

Okay, spoiled Veruca Salt moment over.  I'm completely aware that I live in Wisconsin and by doing so, am subject to dealing with long, annoyingly colder than Alaska winters from time to time.  Carry on.