When I was in junior high, I was picked on mercilessly by a handful of people. I suppose that is pretty normal for those hellish years, but as we all do at that time - I took it all very personally. As a freshman in high school, being in the "new class," of course I was picked on yet again. I was somewhat overweight, had a big poof of bangs on the top of my head, was obsessed with New Kids on the Block and for those reasons was an easy target. I never had any dates, I never had any guys even interested in me. Can't blame them. Being a teenage girl, I swooned very easily over any guy who was somewhat good looking and kind to me. I asked guys out, sent all the signals, and still nothing. Poor, lonely little me.
Things turned around my in my sophomore/junior years of high school. I started taking better care of myself and actually lost 4 pants sizes in one semester! (Ah, young metabolism) I was starting to feel a little better about myself and I was bound and determined not to let anyone have reason to make fun of me again. How? Well, these were the days of Madonna and other women in music and movies who were strong and in charge. These ladies knew what they wanted and went after it and didn't take any crap from anyone. They were intelligent and sexy - not bullies, not skanks. I took after them to protect myself. (Of course, I've only figured this out in hindsight.)
My clothes became tighter, at least one item of black clothing was worn daily. It was the 90's so dark lipstick was fashionable. I had outfits that I wore to mixers that were somewhat sexy, but still school-appropriate. I was somewhat flirty, but not giggly. I could talk about sex wherever and whenever (though I was still a virgin for much of this phase) without embarrassment, and I walked with my head up, not constantly looking at the floor like I had for years.
I call this my Femme Fatale phase.
I didn't get picked on anymore. That part worked. Unfortunately, I didn't have men falling all over themselves to get to me as I had hoped. Apparently I shifted so far over to the other side, I frightened many of them away. I had also forgotten that I was dealing with high school boys who basically date within their group and liked girls who giggled and put out. At least one guy was brave enough to ask me out...and we've now been together for 19 years.
I kept up with this facade for a few years continuing into my first semester of college in Chicago. It was there that I had a very simple wake-up call. As I was walking out of my composition class on break, the people in the classroom next to us were letting out as well. I was walking as I usually did, really talking to no one, in my own "nobody's gonna hurt me" world, when a complete stranger walked up to me and said, "Why you gotta be so mad?" It was like a slap in the face. Was I really projecting myself that way? Was I shutting myself out of making new friendships and experiencing new things? There have been many times when I've wished that I could find out who that person was and thank them for waking me up. I guess I'll have to settle with this: Thank you to the stranger at Columbia College who picked the most random moment to change my life for the better with one simple question. You're a lifesaver!
My attitude changed almost immediately after that. I loosened up, laughed around people other than my close friends, was more myself. Sure, when I walked downtown in the city getting from place to place, the air of invincibility returned, but where I knew I was safe, I let myself relax.
I think we all have different parts of ourselves that we project and/or hide from people on an individual basis. There are only two people in the world who know me completely - the good, the bad, my interests, my humor and insecurities. But at least now what I show is all part of who I am - not a mask that I hide behind for protection.
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